Balls and Dresses
by Obsidian Buterfly
Summary: 'Oh don't be so grumpy, Kuro-sweetie. You should enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. After all, it's not everyday Obsidian decides she wants to write about the three of you wearing dresses and not at all enjoying yourselves in the process.' Crackfic. Warnings inside.


**_A/N: Found this old crackfic in my hard drive last week and decided to fix some mistakes and put it up as a one-shot. This is not meant to be taken seriously so enjoy the crackiness, OOC-ness, my poor attempts at humor, pokage of fun at fanfictions featuring cross-dressing and overall abuse of the fourth wall. _**

**_P.S. There's some references made to a couple of my other fanfictions but you don't need to have read those to enjoy this. _**

**_P.S.S. I know that CLAMP switched around Fai and Yuui's names in Horitsuba but I chose to ignore that when I wrote this. _**

**_Enjoy~_**

Fai couldn't stop the growl that formed low in his throat as he stared at the mirror. Narrowed eyes highlighted by frosty makeup glared right back at him, the makeup serving to bring out the deep blue in the irises. The stranger in front of him had their soft glossy lips pressed thin in a straight line, high cheekbones dusted in a rosy blush accentuated by a few stray locks of blond hair that escaped from the sleek French twist, held in place with silver, diamond encrusted pins, set with beautifully cut sapphires.

"Fai-san?" Syaoran stepped into the room, completely red in the face.

"What?" Fai snapped, turning away from his reflection to face the boy, feeling just a tiny twinge of guilt when Syaoran jumped at his response.

"T-Tomoyo-san wanted to know if the stylists were done yet. She said she's nearly done with Kurogane-san."

Fai's gaze drifted downwards for a moment as he looked at himself. "What do you _think?_" he said, looking back up with a firm scowl plastered on his face.

"You, um… you…" Syaoran hesitated, appearing unsure of what to say. He glanced uncertainly at Fai before taking in a deep breath and plastering on his trademark 'I'm-so-determined-there-is-no-fucking-way-I'm-going-to-fail' look. What Syaoran failed to realize, despite Fai's deepening scowl, was the fact that he did not need determination, but _tact_ to handle this situation. Unfortunately, tact was something that he could not conjure up in the time it took for the words to leave his mouth. "You look… pretty?" The final word came out as a tiny squeak as the table behind Syaoran exploded, sending a shower of destroyed flowers and broken crystal everywhere as the vase on top exploded.

"I look like a woman!" Fai screamed and another vase exploded, making Syaoran flinch. "I'm a guy for _Kerkés's sake_!* And no matter how much the fan girls drool over the thought of me prancing around in dresses, I do _not_ enjoy cross-dressing! That would be my idiotic twin in the Horitsuba universe. Considering the fact that this is an alternate universe storyline for TRC, my twin is _dead_, and not a chemistry teacher with a penchant for blowing things up."

_What is he talking about?_Syaoran thought as he eyed Fai, trying to figure out a way to handle this new side to his companion. Growling and yelling and swearing was more of Kurogane's forte, and here Fai was pulling the scary factor to a fifteen. Kurogane could only pull the scary factor to fourteen and a half on a scale of one to ten, which in hindsight shouldn't be possible, but he was a badass ninja, and that was reason enough for him to pull it off.

"I'm not supposed to wear dresses either yet here I am, wearing this… _sexy, midnight-blue gown_," Fai spat, shuddering in disgust.

_Scary factor just bumped to fifteen and a half,_Syaoran noted as he began searching his surroundings for the telltale signs of potential explosions.

"I'm also wearing a padded bra. I have boobs that could rival Yuuko's!" Fai announced in indignation as he began to pace in front of the full-length mirror. "And don't even get me started on the _makeup_. I mean is all this makeup even necessary? I don't care if the frosty eye-shadow brings out my eyes. I don't want this gunk on my face. Did you know that the stylists decided to wax my legs to make sure I look feminine enough?" Syaoran took an uncertain step towards the door when Fai rounded on him with a crazed gleam in his eyes. "Men have hairy legs for a _reason_. Having smooth skin shouldn't be worth the agony I went through. I have no idea how women put up with this torture over and over again. And they do it _willingly_. Why would _anyone_ do that willingly?"

Syaoran could only shrug helplessly at his ranting companion who began to pace once again. He didn't think he would ever forget Fai anguished howls. Syaoran and Kurogane had been forced to undergo similar treatments, but Fai was the one who had screamed the loudest.

Halfway across the room, Fai stumbled and nearly face-planted on the floor, but somehow managed to regain his balance at the last moment. "Curse these thrice-damned heels! They're a nightmare to walk in. Tell me, why do I even _need_ to wear heels when I'm already over six feet tall?"

"Because stilettos look sexy?" Syaoran offered weakly, realizing only a moment later that it was the wrong thing to say.

Fai let out an infuriated scream and the door behind Syaoran blew up in an explosion so brilliant it would have put many Hollywood movies to shame. Syaoran dashed towards the exit, diving over the threshold seconds before the door went up in flames. He did a front roll as soon as he hit the floor and hopped back on his feet, feeling like a badass. Well… it was more like a badass in a green, ruffled dress and four-inch heels. How he managed to stay balanced after managing such a feat was anyone's guess, though Syaoran couldn't help but feel a tinge of pride at accomplishing something he doubted Fai could.

He glanced down, brushing off the dust from the dress that only reached past the middle of his thighs. Glancing at his reflection in the mirror, Syaoran noticed the way the delicate, gold straps of his heels wrapped around his legs, all the way to his knees. His hair was pulled back in a half-up-do leaving some of the bangs in the front to cover his forehead and eyes while the rest of it held back by several packs of bobby pins and entire bottle of hairspray. Syaoran had let his hair grow out during their traveling, but he decided that he was chopping it all off as soon as the night was over. He gave his reflection a once over, decided that the skillfully done gold eye-shadow with the soft brown undertones did look good for his eyes, but it would have been more suited on an actual girl. Though he did make for a pretty girl.

_I did__not_ _just think that,_ Syaoran thought, fighting the urge to shudder. Looking down at his own somewhat impressive bust, the brunette decided to just not think about the whole thing. It would be easier that way to try and get through the night. He still wasn't quite sure how or even _why_ he had agreed to all this, but the group of dimension travelers was expected to attend a cross-dressers' ball that night. Everyone in attendance was supposed to dress up as their most believable representation of the opposite sex. Fortunately or unfortunately, they had run into that world's version of Tomoyo, who had taken it upon herself to make sure they looked their _best_ for the ball.

The only ray of light for Syaoran was the knowledge that the owner of a rare magical item was supposed to be in attendance at the ball, providing Syaoran with the perfect opportunity to interrogate them. The item was said to restore that which was lost.

_Maybe this item can help me restore my parents' bodies,_Syaoran thought, daring to feel a little hopeful about their journey nearing its resolution. _I'll be able to see mother and father soon…Hey, didn't father dress up as a girl too?_ Syaoran frowned, searching through the memories of his father's journey across the dimensions while he had searched for his mother's feathers. _What world was it? Shura or Shara?_

He was certain it was one of those worlds where the women in a circus had made him pretend to be a girl. His father had endured that and still walked around like a proud, badass of a man who, admittedly, also went around ripping eyes from his own friends to gain some magical power to help aid him in his quest. Perhaps Syaoran could do the same. _The enduring and walking around like a proud badass part at least,_Syaoran decided. _I don't think Fai would appreciate having his eye gouged out__again__._

Somewhere down the corridor a bell tolled six times to announce the hour, and Syaoran realized that Tomoyo was still waiting him to come back while she tried to get Kurogane ready for the ball. Walking back towards the room Tomoyo had claimed for Kurogane, Syaoran couldn't help but catch another glimpse of the pretty brunette in a green dress in a nearby mirror. _Enduring and putting up with this thing is definitely going to take some getting used to. Not that I want to dress up as a girl, _he thought, his cheeks coloring in embarrassment. Syaoran was still a proud man underneath all the green ruffles, but he knew he looked extremely cute in that dress. Not at all like the badass his father was and most definitely nowhere near as awesome. He just looked hopelessly and helplessly cute. _Maybe if I gouged out an eye or two, it'd make me look a little less cute._

"Wow, I must say that you make quite an adorable girl, Syaoran," said a brunette wearing half-framed spectacles as 'she' walked towards him. 'She' gave him an appreciative once-over, with a grin that made Syaoran want to cover himself up as much as he could. "Wouldn't you agree, Sleeping Beauty?" 'she' asked someone behind him. Syaoran was almost certain it was a girl cross-dressing as a man.

"I do," spoke a familiar voice from behind Syaoran and he whirled around in surprise, somehow still managing not to lose his balance as she came face to face with the last person he wanted to see him like this.

_I can totally rock wearing high-heeled shoes,__so maybe I'm a little awesome like Father too,_ he thought, mentally patting himself on the back for not embarrassing himself in front of the girl he loved.

"Sakura?" He blushed when his voice came our as a girlish squeak. Sakura smiled one of her special smiles, and Syaoran felt his heart soar to the highest clouds. He spent a couple of seconds chasing after the damn thing to get it back before it flew away and left him like a copy of the heartless clone that went around ripping out eyeballs. _I have to remember the whole Fai-not-appreciating-gouged-eyes deal,_ he reminded himself before returning his attentions towards the princess. "W-What… What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for the ball, of course." Sakura smiled as she brushed a hand down her pastel-green coat before pushing surprisingly short hair out of her face.

_Her hair! Her beautiful hair is all gone and… she looks like a boy…_Syaoran's gaze strayed down to her chest for just a fraction of a second to confirm that it was indeed flat. S_he must have wrapped it up really tight to look the part of a guy. On second thought, maybe not_ really_tight._

"I actually have no idea how I got here, though," Sakura said. "One minute I was at home getting ready to head out with Touya for a tour of the city, and then there was this loud gong-like sound, and I was here, being shoved into a room full of stylists. Maddy-san was already there when I got in. She had it even worse than I did."

"Maddy-san?" he repeated in confusion before remembering the bespectacled brunette standing behind him.

"I still don't get why you two can't just get used to calling me Maddy instead of adding that 'san' at the end," complained the brown-haired cross-dresser. "It sounds like Madison, which is _not_ my name."

"Do I even know you?" he couldn't help but frown as he squinted at the woman, trying to place where he could have met her.

"Oh right," the woman face-palmed. "I forgot. I just went through the whole thing with Sleeping Beauty over there. I'm from an alternate universe for Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles. I really don't want to give anyone any spoilers right now, but let's just say that I was whisked away from that universe to this one to be Fai's date and leave it at that, okay? Masooma would have come in my place, but she was kinda busy playing the part of the tragic lover that got killed before their time in my story and pretty much all the other alternate universe stories too.

"Except for that one where you and Fai get tortured to near insanity," Maddy said, "and well, she's playing the hero in that one, trying to prevent the bad guys from getting to Fai or you. I must say she is one helluva badass witch, when she's not playing dead that is. When she's playing dead then she's just… _dead._" Seeing the wide-eyed look she received from Syaoran, she only grinned in response.

"Fai-san and I get tortured to near insanity?" Syaoran murmured weakly as he staggered back and right into Sakura's arms before his eyes widened to comic proportions.

"Maddy-chan, even if this is crack, you shouldn't be breaking the fourth wall," Sakura chided, gently patting Syaoran on the arm. "And you're upsetting Syaoran by giving him spoilers for these things."

_When did we get tortured to near insanity?_ Syaoran thought looking from Maddy to Sakura and back to Maddy.

"Oops, my bad." Maddy gave a nervous chuckle before scratching the back of her head. "Sorry about that, Syaoran. Don't worry about the getting tortured to near insanity thing, okay? That happens in a different post-TRC alternate universe. I mean, yeah you end up hating Sakura for half the plot because you think she was the one who tortured you. But you _do_ get saved and you have a somewhat happy ending. And you know what they say. All is well that ends well and stuff, right? So yeah, forget I said anything at all."

"Maddy-chan, you're breaking the fourth wall again," Sakura pointed out while Syaoran only stared at the brunette in confusion.

_First Fai-san and now these two… What are they all talking about?_

"Right, well." Maddy clapped her hands together as she bounded on the balls of her feet. "Maybe it's best if I stopped talking and left you two lovebirds to get reacquainted. I'm going to try and locate my date. You wouldn't happen to know the way to Fai's room by any chance, would you? I have a feeling he'll be looking exceptionally pretty tonight."

Syaoran wordlessly pointed the way, still not quite sure about what she had been talking about. Maddy grinned widely as thanked them both before hurrying down the corridor.

"I guess I'll be playing the role of the dashing prince in shining white armor tonight then, hmm?" Sakura murmured his ear, causing heat to rise up along his face. One of her hands brushed appreciatively against his side and Syaoran jumped away from her with a surprised squeak. _I really need to stop making such undignified sounds_, he thought crossly as Sakura gave him a sly grin and began to advance towards him.

"Maybe I should change it to the dashing princess in a pastel green suit?"

-0-

Kurogane tried to keep the grumbling to himself as Tomoyo applied makeup to his closed eyes. He had never cared much for ballsand festivals, though he went with Tomoyo without creating much of a fuss whenever his princess asked him to accompany her. But just this once, Kurogane decided that he'd rather face down all the demon hordes of Nihon at the same time than go to a party looking like a contestant for a drag-queen competition. Unfortunately for him, while Kurogane knew that he could out-stubborn almost anyone else on the planet, Tomoyo or her counterparts had proven themselves to be more stubborn than him. Plus, Kurogane was crap around crying women. And Tomoyo, the sneaky little vixen that she was, knew how to use that weapon to her advantage.

Now here he was, wearing a floor-length crimson ball gown- with silver and black embroidered off-shoulder top. It flared out at his hips into a monstrosity of a dress that had enough layers to give Kurogane a headache just thinking about them. Suffice to say, the dress had a lot of fabric. Kurogane tried not to pay any attention to the fact that he was dressed in drag and looking rather good in it too. He was certain he'd never be able to look himself in the mirror again if he did.

When Tomoyo finally allowed him to look into the mirror, he saw an attractive woman scowling back at him, lips painted red and eyes done in a smoky eye-shadow that highlighted the crimson in his eyes. His hair- which was actually a wig- was styled into an elaborate up-do at the back of his head that let a few stray ringlets brush his collarbone. Looking at the lavender-eyed 'man' that was Tomoyo dressed in a black suit and a matching crimson shirt with a black glossy tie, he had to bite the inside of his cheek from cursing the woman for emotionally blackmailing him into this whole ordeal. Sighing heavily, he climbed to his feet, glaring down at the black heels he had been forced into by this woman before him.

"Let's just get this over with," he growled, grabbing her right hand and trying not to think of the princess waiting for him back in Nihon.

"Oh don't be so grumpy, Kuro-sweetie," Tomoyo giggled, allowing him to lead her out of the room on unsteady feet. "You should enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. After all, it's not everyday Obsidian decides she wants to write about the three of you wearing dresses and not at all enjoying yourselves in the process. Although in hindsight, I suppose that's what you are doing now, aren't you? Not enjoying yourself in a woman's place that is. I'm curious though, what are _your_ thoughts on getting waxed? Fai was rather vocal when one of the stylists I sent for him asked him the same question. Said he preferred being turned into a vampire over it any day."

"You just broke the fourth wall, Tomoyo," Kurogane deadpanned.

"So?" She quirked her brow. "Everyone else is doing it, so why can't I?"

"Just because 'everyone else is doing it' doesn't make it okay to abuse the fourth wall!" he protested.

"You worry too much, Kuro-worrywart."

"What's with you butchering my name?"

"It's fun to mutilate your name," Tomoyo gave him an easy smile that was far too similar to that of his own princess. "Also, I can't help myself. I'm acting out of character but I'm very classy about it so I'm still in character as Tomoyo."

"That reason contradicts itself."

"I'm being out of character, as we all know, especially the readers, but I'm also staying in my character," Tomoyo replied simply as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You're breaking the fourth wall again," he sighed tiredly. "And it _still_ doesn't make any sense."

"I guess you're just one of those people for whom this will never make any sense," Tomoyo replied with a tiny shake of her head. "By the way, you broke the fourth wall too, by telling me _I_ broke the fourth wall."

"I give up…" Kurogane groaned before glancing down at his heel-clad feet in disdain. Just because he didn't have any trouble balancing those shoes did not mean he enjoyed walking around in them. "Can I at least wear something flat instead?"

"No." She shook her head for the umpteenth time. "These heels are perfect with your dress. Now don't ask me again because my answer will remain no whether you ask for the fiftieth time or the hundredth just as it has for the past twenty five." She paused to give him a thoughtful look as she circled around him, assessing him. "Are you sure you're a ninja?" she said at last. "Aren't ninjas supposed to be all tough and manly with an I-can-endure-anything attitude? You sound a lot more like a whiner to me."

"I do _not_ whine," Kurogane huffed.

"That's not the way I'm hearing it," Tomoyo sang.

"Fine," he grumbled, crossing his arms in annoyance as he glared at the woman. "I won't ask again."

Tomoyo turned away with a triumphant smile as they made their way towards the exit. A black limousine stood in the driveway, ready to take the couples to the ball. Kurogane glanced towards the mansion a couple of minutes later as he heard the distinct clack of heels against the polished marble. Half a minute later, Syaoran emerged with a boyish version of the princess at his arm, followed closely by a glowering Fai and a brunette Kurogane had never seen before but recognized as the girl traveling with their group in an alternate universe. Kurogane hung back, waiting for the others to get inside before clambering after them.

The engine hummed to life, and they began to move. Five minutes was all it took before Kurogane began debating the pros and cons of knocking himself out by slamming his head into a window. He couldn't really stand the sight of the kid blushing and stuttering around the princess, even if Kurogane thought they looked good together. The mage continued to scowl, appearing as if the expression was permanently glued to his face, though his _date_ appeared to completely ignore his grumpy behavior as she discussed all of their outfits with Tomoyo.

Kurogane sighed, crossing his arms as he settled in for the journey. He had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

*****_**Kerkés is the name of a Celesian patron god in my head-canon. **_

**_A/N: So how was it? Good? Bad? Did you enjoy Fai's indignation on being forced into a dress? Or was a look into Syaoran's head more interesting? Kurogane is a badass ninja who can totally rock wearing high heels. Drop me a review and let me know because I really would love to hear your thoughts._**


End file.
